


everything is fine (if you look closely, you'll see the cracks)

by stabthesoup



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-10-29 19:59:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10861029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stabthesoup/pseuds/stabthesoup
Summary: Alex Morgan left. Tobin's heart broke.Tobin moved on. Really.Everything is fine.(No, it's not.)





	1. the past is present

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [What's Left of My Heart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1173745) by [Yourewelcome](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yourewelcome/pseuds/Yourewelcome). 



_Tobin_

 

_I love you. No matter what, I want you to know that. I’m going to LA sooner than planned. I’m probably already gone by the time you read this. All I’ve ever wanted to do is act and now it’s happening. This opportunity is once in a lifetime, it’s almost too good to be true. Almost. The studio has made it clear that I must be seen as single… and straight. I know I’m a coward for doing this in a letter but if I saw you, I’d never be able to leave. You know how important this is for me. I’m so sorry._

 

_Love,_

_Alex_

 

* * *

 

 

Tobin awakes disoriented. She looks around the unfamiliar room in the weak morning light. Her head pounding and her hungover brain slowly processing that the sound she’s hearing is snoring. Looking at the girl whose bed she’s in, Tobin struggles to remember her name before giving up. Sliding out of the sheets without disturbing her, Tobin quickly finds her clothes and leaves the room. Closing the door with a soft click, she makes her way to the elevator while checking her phone.

 

**From: Ash**

**where are you?**

**_delivered 1:57am_**

**i guess you left**

**_delivered 2:19am_**

**you better not have a girl in our room**

**_delivered 2:20am_**

**don’t wake me up when you come back**

**_delivered 2:46am_**

 

Sighing, Tobin ignores the texts from other people and tries to figure out where the hell she is. Going outside reveals that she is on the opposite side of campus from her dorm. _Fan-fucking-tastic,_ she thinks. The sun’s only just risen so it’s far too early for anyone to be out. Tobin starts the long, slightly chilly walk towards her dorm and tries not to think about anything. Of course that means she is thinking about _her._

 

The piercing blue eyes that made her heart race with just a look. The laugh that made her feel like nothing else mattered. The way it felt to be wrapped up in a blanket together, lying on the roof, talking all night. The sleepy giggles when the sun came up and they had to hurry back to bed before they got caught. Tobin has come to hate the sunrise for the empty feeling that it now invokes.

 

Feeling the prickling of tears starting to form, Tobin violently shakes her head to clear it. Running a hand through her hair, she realizes that she’s at her dorm and quietly unlocks the door. The room is a mess of sweatpants and water bottles, both full and empty. Ashlyn is sprawled across her bed, half falling off, dead to the world. Tobin changes into a t-shirt and shorts then chugs a bottle of water before flopping onto her bed, falling asleep instantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i haven't written anything in years and i've never let anyone read it. i will freely admit that i don't know what i'm doing. in fact, i'm terrified. so... thoughts?


	2. racing legs, still thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story begins.

Tobin juggles the ball while Kling is sprawled out on the grass and trying to catch her breath. “Dude, how are you not dead?”

 

Tobin kicks the ball to her hands and sits down with a shrug. Practice had been particularly brutal today. Coach was pissed because a few players arrived 45 minutes late and proceeded to goof off and be disruptive, showing no contrition for their actions. So sprints were ordered. Many, many sprints. The thing about team sports is that when someone messes up, everyone pays for it. So they did. The team was put through various fitness drills for the rest of practice, leaving everyone exhausted and glaring at the ones responsible.

 

“She’s a freak of nature,” Whitney says, pouring water on her head.

 

“Listen up! I know you’re tired and sore, I pushed you to your limits and then some. Remember this feeling and don’t ever give me a reason to do it again. Everybody to the ice baths. Rest up and be here on time and ready to work tomorrow.” Coach sends a pointed look at the girls who were late. He shakes his head, clearly still angry, and walks off the field.

 

Groaning, Ashlyn pulls herself up and says, “Let’s just get this over with.”

 

Tobin follows but tunes out the complaints of pain and hunger. She’s trying to hold on to the fleeting sense of peace exhaustion brings. Only having enough energy to focus on the next step gives her a reprieve from the perpetual ache in her chest, the gnawing absence of the heart that had been stolen then discarded. Purely in the moment, temporarily free of memories and emotions, Tobin ceases to be. She is just a body in motion, a collection of muscles and tendons and bones and blood working in harmony to find the edge of endurance and keep going. Her brain doing nothing but sending the signals for which muscle to contract or release. She is nothing and everything, a speck in an unending universe that does not care about her and also cannot exist without her. Tobin pushes herself into this state often. When the loneliness is suffocating and her mask won’t stay in place, she takes a ball to a field and only stops when she can no longer stand. With limbs too heavy to move, she feels as if she could float away. 

 

Tobin is brought back to herself by a extreme shift in temperature. Refocusing on her surroundings, Tobin realizes the shock of cold is due to the ice bath she is currently in.

 

“What about you, Tobin?” Whitney asks.

 

“Huh? What?” Tobin confusedly replies to her expectant friend.

 

“Do you wanna get take out or go to the caf?”

 

“Oh, right, whatever’s fine.”

 

“Ha! You’re outvoted and we’re getting tacos,” says Kling with a smug grin, bumping Ashlyn’s waiting fist.

 

Whitney is saved from further gloating by the timer going off and all of them jumping out to dry off. After feeling has returned to their toes, they disperse to shower and change. Ashlyn is elected to go pick up the food while the others reconvene in her and Tobin’s room.

 

* * *

 

After a truly frightening amount of tacos were devoured, nobody wants to move. Whitney sits on Ashlyn’s bed, leaning against the wall and valiantly fighting to keep her eyes open. Kling has made something akin to a nest out of all the pillows in the room. She’s claimed Tobin’s bed as the base for her fluffy fortress. Ashlyn is lying across Whitney’s legs, her head at the foot of her bed. Tobin is sitting backwards on her desk chair, laughing at Ashlyn trying to decide if she should change her hair.

 

“I mean, I look great either way, obviously, but should I go short and dark or stick with the blonde?”

 

“You just want my hair,” says Kling. “You want to be just like me. I’m basically your idol. Don’t worry, with practice you can be almost as cool as me.”

 

Ashlyn throws an empty water bottle at her head, “Shut up Kling. You know I’m the coolest. I only let you hang out with me because I feel bad for you.”

 

“Yo, chill. We all know you’re fighting for second place,” says Tobin. “No matter who wins, I’ll still let you hang out with me.” Tobin ducks both of the water bottles aimed at her head.

 

Attempts at arguing their awesomeness are stopped by Whitney losing her battle with sleep, tipping sideways, and head butting Ashlyn. Whitney startles awake as Ashlyn expresses her displeasure with a loud “FUCK! Son of a bitch, that hurt!”

 

Kling and Tobin are dying with laughter which only increases when Ashlyn shoots them a murderous glare. Whitney sits up and rubs her head, still very disoriented. Slowly putting together what happened, she looks through bleary eyes over at Ashlyn. 

 

“What? Oh. Sorry.” 

 

This does little to calm Ashlyn but sends Kling and Tobin into hysterics.

 

“Okay… Well, I’m going to bed,” Whitney mumbles, stumbling on her way to the door. “G’night.”

 

Tobin and Kling have mostly calmed down when Ashlyn sends them another glare. “Fuck you. I’m getting ice cream,” she says, stomping out of the room.

 

“I’m out. I don’t want to be killed with a spoon when she comes back.” With an avalanche of pillows and jaunty wave, Kling is gone.

 

Still smiling, Tobin moves to her bed and grabs her phone.

 

**new kids**

 

**Cheney: don’t forget to send me your hotel info**

**_delivered 9:32pm_ **

**Tobs: ?**

**_delivered 9:33pm_**

**ARod: you really forgot? preseason games? ringing any bells?**

**_delivered 9:35pm_**

**Tobs: right that’s this weekend**

**_delivered 9:36pm_**

**ARod: how have you survived this long?**

**_delivered 9:37pm_**

**Cheney: anyway, send me your hotel info when you get it**

**_delivered 9:37pm_**

**Tobs: will do**

**_delivered 9:38pm_**

**Cheney: you gonna be okay being in la?**

**_delivered 9:44pm_**

**ARod: i mean it'll suck for you when usc kicks your asses…**

**_delivered 9:46pm_**

**Cheney: shut up arod. tobin?**

**_delivered 9:46pm_**

**Tobs: i’m fine**

**_delivered 9:51pm_**

**Cheney: it’s a big city and we’ll be with you**

**_delivered 9:52pm_**

**ARod: we’ll only be at the fields anyway**

**_delivered 9:52pm_**

**Tobs: it’s fine. it’s not like she’ll be at the game. i’ll be fine**

**_delivered 9:53pm_**

 

Tobin drops her phone on the bed, shuts her eyes, and lets out a long sigh. _Los Angeles. Nothing to worry about. So what if she lives there? She’s probably not even there. She could be anywhere in the world. It doesn't matter anyway. I’m over it. Over her. I’m just there to play soccer and hang out with two of my best friends. It’s been three years, she means nothing to me._ Tobin laughs at herself for even pretending to believe that. 

 

_Alex fucking Morgan, living her dream in hollywood. A dream that doesn’t include me. Why would it? She forgot about me a long time ago. Only I’m stupid enough still pine for the girl that left me without a thought and never looked back. Why would she? I was temporary. A distraction until she moved on to bigger and better things. That’s all I’m good for._

 

The bang of the door opening snaps Tobin out of her thoughts. Frustrated, she grabs a ball and leaves, not even acknowledging Ashlyn’s return. Tobin runs down the stairs and out of the dorms, picking up speed as she gets outside. It’s awkward trying to run while holding a soccer ball but she makes it to the field in record time. The lights are off but the moon is bright enough to give her some visibility. As soon as she’s on grass, she drops the ball. Dribbling to set herself up, she shoots towards the far goal. Not a second after the ball leaves her foot, she is sprinting down the field, racing to beat her shot. The ball crosses the goal line before she does, so she turns around and shoots again. When she catches up to the unmoving ball, she starts dribbling at speed. Changing direction randomly with complicated footwork, she makes her way to each of the corners, never slowing down. Tobin dribbles and shoots and runs without stopping for over an hour. Eventually, her legs revolt and she lies down in the center of the field, looking at the stars. Her mind is quiet as her breathing starts to slow to a normal rate. The midnight air cools the sweat on her body until she’s shivering. Feeling numb to everything, she heads back towards the dorms. Tobin enters her room and finds Ashlyn watching netflix and playing with her phone. Tobin gives her a nod and gathers her shower things. Ashlyn starts to say something, but Tobin is already out the door. After an long, hot shower, Tobin returns to her room, mumbles a quick goodnight, and pretends to go to sleep. She lies in bed, hoping she won’t dream but knowing the memories are waiting just behind her eyelids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so chapter 1 was kinda prolougey, being more of a snapshot with no particular place on the timeline. this chapter is the start of "real time"
> 
> I'm still figuring this out but hopefully i'll be able to add more levity. this story is primarily angst but it's mostly introspective. i will happily take suggestion for stuff the unc gals should do. i'm pretty much a hermit so i don't really know how people 'hang out' or if there are activities involved (besides soccer). what do college people do? what sort of events do they react to? how often are there parties? are they loud music, tons of people, dancing parties? or like just get drunk and talk to people?
> 
> anyway, what do you think of the chapter length? not long enough or okay?


	3. perchance to dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited bc alex didn't come across how i wanted. i'm working on chapter 4, i promise. maybe now that i've fixed this i'll be able to make some progress.

_Cuddled in bed, foreheads touching, Tobin and Alex exchange soft kisses. The afternoon sun shines through the window, creating patterns of light across the floor. Tobin feels the warmth in her heart spread down to her toes, her fingers playing with soft brown hair, and she sighs in contentment. Wrapped up in their bubble of happiness, nothing else exists._

 

_“I love you,” Tobin says softly, pulling Alex into a lingering kiss. She runs her tongue across Alex’s bottom lip, pulling it into her mouth. A small whimper rises from the back of Alex’s throat._

 

_“I love you,” Alex says, gently turning them until she’s lying on top of Tobin. Alex bites her earlobe, drawing a soft moan from Tobin, before working her way down Tobin’s neck with her tongue and her teeth. Tobin turns her head to expose her neck, unable to do more than moan with every teasing bite. Alex’s fingers pull at the buttons of Tobin’s shirt, revealing more skin to be kissed. Reaching Tobin’s chest, Alex focuses on a spot at the top of her left breast, leaving a large mark right over her heart. Alex looks up at Tobin with darkened eyes, issuing a silent challenge. Tobin pulls Alex into a hungry kiss, working quickly to divest Alex of her shirt. Flipping them over, Tobin removes her own open shirt. Heated kisses stoke the fire running through her veins as Alex runs her nails down Tobin’s back._

 

 

 

Tobin’s alarm drags her into consciousness. She grabs at her phone to silence it, clinging to sleep. Cold reality seeps in, reminding her that that is no longer her life. The harsh contrast of going from full of love to an empty shell is why Tobin hates to sleep. In dreams, she is happy and whole. She isn’t a collection of barely healed scars surrounded by walls that are as tall as they are thick, but have a network of fault lines ready to cause a collapse. When she wakes, there is a fleeting moment where the past three years never happened and Alex will greet her with a smile and a kiss. The realization of the falsity of that belief is yet another wound to her mangled heart. In truth, Tobin wants to sleep, to relive memories bathed in golden light; waking up is what she dreads. Returning to a world of pain and self-loathing concealed by a performance of living when she is just barely surviving. When Tobin falls asleep she’s not hoping for a night without dreams, she’s hoping that they never end.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Kelley O’Hara loves her friends. She also wants to strangle them.

 

Kelley had returned to her room in hopes of an afternoon nap, but the ringing of her phone put an end to that.

 

“Why won’t you let me sleep?” Kelley whines into the phone.

 

“She’s coming to LA,” Alex says, ignoring Kelley.

 

Kelley squeezes her eyes shut in defeat, hearing the anxiety in Alex’s voice. Once upon a time, Kelley was one third of a friendship so strong it seemed unbreakable. The bond they had with each other was equal on all sides. Even when Alex and Tobin started dating, she never felt abandoned or shut out. Yes, she was the third wheel, but they were a tricycle. And so the trio continued to be a happy little family. Then Alex left and Tobin broke and Kelley desperately held on to both of them, beginning a precarious balancing act.

 

“She is,” says Kelley, unsure of what reaction the confirmation will bring.

 

“Well?” Alex says.

 

“Well what?” says Kelley. “UNC has preseason games against UCLA and USC, but you know that.”

 

“Yeah, but… Has she said anything?” Alex asks in a small voice.

 

Kelley sighs. When Alex left, Kelley was furious. One best friend had left without a word and the other was too devastated to speak. Kelley drowned in the silence, she wanted to scream and yell and drag Alex back by her hair so she could explain what the hell was going on. All her calls when unanswered, so she left voicemails that were confused then angry then hurt. But Kelley was lonely, and when Alex finally answered, Kelley felt the fight drain out of her. They rebuilt their friendship, fragile as it was, with the understanding that they would never talk about Tobin. Ever.

 

“Alex…” Kelley says, a warning in her voice.

 

 

“I know but she’s coming to LA! What should I do? She hates me! Of course she does, I was an idiot,” Alex says quickly. “If I talk to her, maybe I can fix this or, at least, apologize. Should I try asking her to meet up? Do you think she would?”

 

“First of all, Tobin doesn’t hate you. Tobin doesn’t hate anyone, she’s not wired that way. However, I extremely doubt she would agree to seeing you. How were you planning on asking her? Because I’m not getting in the middle of this,” says Kelley.

 

“I just… I miss her,” Alex trails off.

 

After a long pause, Kelley speaks. “I know you do. But she’s not the same person she was before. Neither are you. No matter what, it’s not gonna be the same. And that’s all I have to say about that. Now, tell me about this new project.”

 

“Okay, fine.” Alex reluctantly drops the subject. “So the producer is kinda weird. He wants an ‘authentic timeline’ which means we’re gonna be on location for a lot longer than normal. I don’t think they’ve even picked the location yet. Apparently there are four options and he’s waiting for the script to guide his soul or something. He’s got that vague white person spiritualism that’s probably appropriated from at least six different cultures. But everyone else I’ve met seem pretty cool. The director is a Native American woman who has mastered the art of sarcastic quips and disdainful subtext. She’s my new hero. He’s oblivious to the fact that she wants to hang him by his ankles over a tank of starving sharks so that should be interesting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took me a shamefully long time to write but i'm kinda happy with how it turned out. of course if you didn't like it please tell my why. feedback gives me a lot of inspiration! also i've never written anything with sexy happenings before. i intend to have actual smut in this story so please tell me if it's terrible so i can improve for future chapters. thanks for reading!
> 
> ps if you ever see a typo or anything PLEASE let me know. i always want to do that when i read but i don't know how it would be received so i don't. but yeah show me my errors!
> 
> EDIT 9/16: i promise i haven't forgotten this fic! i will update eventually, i'm sorry i'm terrible...


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